A WISE MOUTH
[A friend recommended Baltasar Gracian's The Art of Worldly Wisdom. Gracian was a Spanish scholar of the 17th century who set forth a series of maxims for ethical action. He also wrote A Pocket Mirror for Heroes, another source of food for my thinking. This column was inspired by A Pocket Mirror for Heroes.]
Gracian notes that we are fortunate that our mouths are made not only for speech but for taste. We can examine our words before we speak them and sweeten them as appropriate and, as Gracian concludes, we can sometimes keep silent. Gracian's words are once again as appropriate to our time as to his. How often do we let angry or bitter words escape without thinking about how they will be received by our listeners? How often do we unleash criticism without any thought of the pain our words will cause? How often do we say no to a request without "adding sugar" to make the no palatable? How often do we speak when silence would be better for all concerned?
I think we all want to avoid causing pain in others; most of us refrain from physical attacks. Since words can sometimes hurt more than physical blows, we have to attempt to avoid painful words, or at least couch a painful message in the most pleasant way possible. Simple kindness demands that we think before we speak, or "taste" our words before we utter them.
No matter what the substance of our words is, no matter how critical or difficult, we can sweeten the delivery, we can cushion the blow. When we must criticize, we can be constructive in our criticism. Let our listener know that we care about him or her as a fellow human being by trying to help, by trying to offer a way to improve, a way to eliminate the cause of the criticism. When we must say no to a request, we can calmly explain the reasons and, sometimes, offer a favorable response to the request at a different time or in different circumstance. And if our words will have no good substantive effect, we can avoid the problem altogether by remaining silent.
This is only part of treating people as we should but it's an important part. In my experience, most pain is caused by thoughtless conduct, not deliberate attempts to hurt. It's especially true with words: People say things thoughtlessly and make themselves cruel by what they say. Think about sweetness in words before you speak and you'll avoid causing unnecessary pain to others. Where words are better left unspoken, don't speak. Others will be better off and so will you.
3-26-01
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