I'M SORRY
I'm sorry. I apologize. Please forgive me. I was tired... drunk . . . angry . . .mistaken. These are all nice words to hear in some circumstances. They make it easier to bear hurt, to understand why someone behaved badly, to excuse an errant friend or co-worker. But they don't eliminate the behavior that occasioned the words. An apology is a nice, courteous thing, an expression of concern for someone we've hurt. But the hurt is still there.
For some people, the words come so easily as to suggest insincerity. People who make a habit of behaving callously, rudely, inconsiderately, angrily, often seem to think that the ready use of these words gives permission for the behavior. As long as I say I'm sorry, everything is ok. As long as I apologize, it doesn't matter how I behaved.
In fact, no matter how sincerely given or how heartfelt, an apology only partly salves the wounds caused by bad behavior. No matter how quickly given and no matter whether accompanied by tears or other dramatic demonstrations of feeling, an apology leaves some residue of pain in the recipient.
So what's the answer? Should we stop saying I'm sorry? Sometimes the apology makes things worse, by reminding the person we've hurt of the affront, by re-opening the wound. But it can't be right to eliminate courtesy in response to having previously been discourteous.
Should we think of the form of the apology? Perhaps if we show we're really sorry, by weeping, by grimacing, by physical displays of various kinds, the apology will be better received. But doesn't this lead to an escalating need for demonstration. Won't the person we apologize to seek an ever more dramatic showing of regret?
The answer is to avoid the occasions for regret, for apology. Think about our conduct before we cause someone pain, before we offend someone, before we do something we regret immediately afterward. If we act with consideration and concern, we'll never have to say we're sorry.
10-18-99
Archives 1999 Archives 2000 Archives