ATTENTION
[As you read this, I'm in Germany, ready to attend the wedding of an old friend. There will be no new column for July22 but look for "Germany" on July 29.]
The actress Christina Ricci describes her life in a recent newspaper article. She apparently had some unhappy times but has learned to trust, to be more outgoing in seeking love and companionship, to be happy. I plan to write more about trust and some of the other things she's learned but today I want to talk about her early need for attention and how she coped with it.
Ms. Ricci tells the story of provoking others to hit her so she could gain sympathy, even gain the part she wanted in a school Christmas pageant. She experienced a lot of unhappiness but I found this willingness to do anything to get attention, from parents, from teachers, from her peers, the most touching part of her story.
We all crave attention. We want to be well-regarded, popular, valued by our peers and others. Sometimes, if we don't get the attention we crave, we are willing to receive negative attention rather than go unnoticed altogether. It's sad to see people so lonely and disregarded that they're willing to hurt themselves and others to ease their pain. I think it begins in childhood and, if not corrected, continues into adulthood. Once someone feels unnoticed, there seems to be no amount of attention that is enough. While some, like Ms. Ricci, form their careers from the need for attention, others live unhappy lives, never feeling secure, never getting the attention they crave.
Ms. Ricci apparently solved her problem by recognizing her inner strength, recognizing the possibility of happiness in the face of years of misery. Not everyone is so lucky. For them the solution must be to learn to like themselves, to see that they can be happy whether or not others notice them, to find pleasurable pursuits that don't require others. It's nice to be part of a group but only if the group is right for you. If not, you're better off alone, being open to friendships and other relationships, but not needing them.
The other side of the coin is being generous with our attention, noticing everyone, paying attention to the need of others for our attention. I've had many good experiences that stem from simply noticing the existence of others, the presence and contribution of people who are ignored by most people. Maybe if we'd all be alert to the needs of others in this way we wouldn't be so focused on our own needs and we would avoid the risk of self-destructive behavior in a bid for attention.
Learn that doing positive things and incidentally getting attention for that is good. Negative attention doesn't do us any good. And, by the way, pay attention to others. It'll pay big dividends.
7-15-02
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