BERMUDA REVISITED
I recently returned to Bermuda for a brief visit. The subject of anger was very much on my mind. When I was a young man, I often became angry and expressed my anger in inappropriate ways; however, for the last ten-fifteen years I have avoided anger. I can become annoyed or disappointed or discouraged or depressed or generally upset but I don't get angry any more. Unfortunately, my trip to Bermuda was marred by poor service by an airline and I was surprised to find myself near anger. To fly to Bermuda from my home requires an all-day effort, 5 hours to New York and 3 hours to Bermuda, with an hour and a half layover in New York. I had arranged golf with a friend on a Sunday so I needed to fly on Saturday. The Saturday flight to New York was cancelled too late to arrange an alternate flight that would allow the connection so I had to cancel the golf and arrive just in time for meetings. (I also had arranged for service on my car so I had to rent a car to get home. I left home at 6:45 a.m. and returned at 1:00 p.m., having gotten nowhere. The Sunday flights also had problems, including a four-hour layover in New York and luggage problems, causing me to arrive at 3:00 a.m. for 9:30 meetings. but that's another story.)
I accept cancelled flights as part of modern life so the cancellation didn't trouble me too much. Years ago I would have become angry and probably voiced my anger to anyone nearby but not now. However, I found myself near to anger when I asked for help in arranging a new booking for the next day. The "customer service" representative rudely told me to go to the ticket counter. It took all my deliberate self-control and the learning of the last twenty years to avoid anger and an angry response.
All this led to a discussion of anger with a group of friends a few days later. Two people urged me to "let it out", to avoid bottling up anger. For the first time, I realized that that was the appearance: That I was angry but holding it inside, avoiding outward appearances of anger.. However, there's something different in avoiding anger altogether. I had nothing to let out, I wasn't bottling anything up, I truly don't get angry any more.
To avoid anger is to avoid all the negative physical and mental results of anger: High blood pressure, distraction, loss of control and the like. To avoid anger brings a strange calm in the face of problems. But that calm enables me to focus on solutions to a problem which might otherwise cause anger.
A few years ago, my avoidance of anger gave me the proudest moment of my life. I played golf with a friend's father and I brought this calm to a problem with our starting time. The problem was solved and it was clear that anger would have been counter-productive. Later, I was playing a child's game with my friend's 4-year old daughter. Obviously having heard of the problem and my reaction, she said she wanted to give me double points in the game because I didn't get mad at anyone.
I was proud because I had achieved a long-sought goal and I was proud of the example I gave to this child. Let's seek control if we get angry but even more important let's try to avoid anger. If we succeed, we help ourselves and because we're genuinely not angry we avoid hurtful responses to other people. Remember that anger is totally negative and, usually, totally unproductive.
4-9-01
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