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COMPLIMENTS (GERMANY, Part 2)

                        In my musing at the wedding events in Germany, I began to think about compliments and what they mean. As you can imagine, compliments flowed freely. People complimented one another about what they were wearing, how they looked, the food, the drink, the dancing, their demeanor and so forth. I gave (and even received) compliments. I've discovered I can only give compliments if I really mean them and I wondered if that was true of everyone. To others, are compliments simply part of normal conversation, meaning nothing, or do others also give compliment only when it's heartfelt?

                               I wonder about this because I think we learn about ourselves by listening to what others sincerely say about us. Even though I believe we must live to our own ideals, we must be our own persons, we must not live for applause at the expense of doing the right thing, we must also listen to others. We must learn about ourselves and what others say is part of the learning process. For example, presentation is an important part of achieving our goals. What others say is critical to successful presentation. If sincere, compliments are an important part of this learning.

                                In one of my favorite poems, a fox tells a crow that he must learn that every flatterer lives at the expense of those who listen to him. That is, listening to insincere or exaggerated compliments may lead you astray, often for the benefit of the giver. But listening to sincere compliments tells us something useful. And compliments that speak to our own goals, that come from someone we respect, encourage us, strengthen us, assure us we are doing the right thing.

                                 People say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but I think there's something missing in that. I think the one form of flattery we can believe, the most reliable of compliments, is action. I saw a beautiful form of action at the wedding. The former wife of the groom was an active participant in the events and, I found out later, was a reliable source of strength to the bride. I think this was the paramount sign of respect for the couple, the best way to compliment them, the most important of assurances that the couple was doing the right thing. And it reminded all of the guests what a wonderful person the first wife is. She earned the most important of compliments from us, deepened our respect for her.

                                  Listen to what others say about you, learn from it, modify your behavior to the extent you learn something you had overlooked, but be wary of flattery: Insincere compliments are not a guide. And compliments from people we don't respect, compliments about conduct not part of our goals for ourselves, compliments that are irrelevant to doing our best, being our best, aren't worth listening to. (I will write about the converse of these principles, reacting to criticism, at a later date.)

8-5-02

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