The Dalai Lama
[The Dalai Lama is the spiritual leader and head of the Tibetan government in exile. A friend sent me excerpts from a message from the Dalai Lama. From time to time, I will talk about these excerpts. They all seem to me valid and important rules for living, based on peace and love for our fellow man.]
The Dalai Lama advises us to "remember that silence is sometimes the best answer." This seems to me a rule worth following in many circumstances. I think of the times we are tempted to respond angrily to words or conduct of another. I think of the times we don't have an answer to a question. I think of the times we have an answer but know that the questioner doesn't want to hear it. I think of the times an answer would be hurtful to another.
We've all been in situations where someone speaks or behaves in a rude or hurtful manner. People speak to us in a way that tempts us to respond in kind. People behave in a manner we know is wrong. When I try to work out how to respond in those situations, I often find myself tempted to respond sharply, to be condemnatory, to argue with the miscreant. How much better it would be respond with silence. It would discourage the misbehaver from becoming confrontational, it would likely be equally effective in conveying our disapproval and, most importantly, it is self-improving. If we can maintain inner peace in the face of misconduct we will more effectively discourage others from misbehaving and avoid the weakening effects of anger.
When we're asked a question, we all want to give an answer. I've been asked the question who will win a game where I didn't know who was playing. I still wanted to give an answer. I've been asked questions about life where I believe the questioner has more experience than I do in the relevant part of life yet I want to give an answer. I've been asked questions where I could tell what answer the questioner wanted and expected and I still wanted to give the answer I thought was correct. In this situation also, we would be better off to greet the question with silence. We could explain our silence or not but when we don't have the right answer why give an answer.
But the best situation to greet a question with silence is when the answer would be hurtful. If someone asks you whether you like something he or she obviously values, why hurt them by answering no, even if that's the correct answer. If someone asks us for approval of a course of action already decided, why hurt them, why make them doubt themselves by expressing disapproval. (Please note that the premise is a decision already made; if we can help someone reach a better answer, of course we should speak.).
Maybe the best summary of the Dalai Lama's rule is to speak (and, for that matter, act) when we can be helpful and remain silent when we can't. We'll feel better and at least we won't make things worse for someone else.
2-9-04
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