ETIQUETTE + Shoulder Update
Cynthia Crossen recently wrote a short history of etiquette for The Wall Street Journal. She notes that traditional etiquette was sometimes an arbitrary set of rules, designed to preserve a class system of questionable utility. I recently saw a report of a troubling example. Various New York clubs have renewed the traditional rule of etiquette that business is not to be conducted at clubs. On the surface, this seems a good rule, designed to assure relaxation at the club. Apparently, however, the reason for the new, rigorous enforcement of this rule was not comfort but to avoid anti-discrimination laws. It seems that business uses make the clubs places of public accommodation, the same as hotels and restaurants, and therefor subject to the same laws..
Ms. Crossen also reports that a new etiquette has emerged, based on common sense and the principle that we should avoid bringing annoyance to others. I take this to mean reasonable annoyance, not the annoyance of those who are perpetually annoyed, annoyed by everything that happens. This new approach is to be applauded but still leaves open the many questions of what reasonably annoys people in a crowded, complex society. That is, we probably all want to avoid annoyance to others but we don't want to create arbitrary rules, even assuming we could gain universal acceptance of the rules, and we don't want to avoid all contact with others for fear of annoying them. We want to avoid annoyance of others without unduly interfering with our own pursuits, without wasting time, without creating annoyance for ourselves.
In the spirit of participating in the creation of the new etiquette, I offer a simple rule: To avoid annoying others, think kindly of them, think about what you would want if you were in their situation, be nice to them. When we behave in this way, our motivation becomes obvious and no one can be annoyed. If we are nice, we will get the benefit of the doubt even if we err according to traditional rules. If we think about what would be annoying to us in the same or a similar situation, we will likely avoid annoying others. If we think kindly of others, we will also avoid being annoyed by them, there will be less awkwardness and stress and less likelihood of annoyance. My conclusion is that the new etiquette requires only a kindly and courteous spirit, that rules may still emerge that appear arbitrary to some, but these rules will be reasonable.
[My shoulder surgery is now more than a week old and I'm slowly recovering. Every day is a little better than the previous. I'll be able to drive a car again in a week or so and everyone has been helpful to me. I'm reminded again of how lucky I am. I think of people who never have the use of their limbs or have it and lose it permanently and feel very grateful. I'll keep you posted as things progress.]
2-11-02
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