Gentlemen
I've written before about civility, a quality that I value and that I often miss in the present age To be civil is to be courteous. Courtesy is appropriate in all of our actions. Courtesy is the lubricant that makes personal relations run smoothly. The need for courtesy is never more clear than when we encounter provocative behavior on the part of others. No matter what the provocation, we don't need to be rude, oppressive, temperamental, angry. It's so easy to respond to rudeness with rudeness. It's so much better if we can respond to rudeness with courtesy. It's so much better if we can respond to anger, bad temper and overbearing behavior with courtesy. Courtesy is the answer in all situations involving difficult people. If it doesn't defuse the difficulty, it will at least enable us to feel good about our own behavior.
A recent book by Brad Miner, The Compleat Gentleman, highlights many of these issues. Miner discusses the many traits of gentlemen, including the thirst for knowledge, compassion and humility. But the trait that caught my eye and that to me captures all of the other necessary traits is respect and consideration for the feelings of others. (By the way, I don't argue that only men can possess these traits; I recognize the concept of gentlewomen. It's just easier for me to use the old word "gentlemen" in writing about this issue.)
Miner gives one example that is dear to my heart. Miner notes that dressing appropriately for a given occasion shows respect for others. While this may seem a small thing, I've been particularly troubled recently by people's inattention to proper dress. It does seem to me to be a question of respect for others. A restaurateur who works hard to serve his customers deserves the respect of appropriate dress, just he deserves the respect of appropriate conduct. Players in a performance deserve the respect of appropriate dress, just as they deserve the respect of applause. I could go on and on. I see so many examples of disrespect in so many ways and this is a small thing. But if we want to show respect in every way we can, the small things are important.
It occurs to me that Miner's definition of a gentleman is the same as my definition of civility. To be a gentleman (or gentlewoman) is to be civil. Civility is respect for others, respect for their feelings, acting considerately in all we do.
If we can be gentlemen and gentlewomen, it will make us feel better about ourselves, will serve as an example to others and will eventually cause others to change their behavior. Be a gentle man or woman and you can change the world.
11-1-04
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