LEFT OUT
One of my favorite web sites describes the experience of trying to fit in and being "left out". The author talks of her own experience as an immigrant and how she sometimes avoided other immigrants, people who seemed to be different, who, perhaps, didn't fit her own image of herself, perhaps from fear of calling attention to the differences between her and the "in" group. As she tells the story, she began to empathize with the other immigrants when she returned to her birthplace and found herself left out, as no longer a part of the community. She then began to understand the pain of other schoolgirls who looked like her, spoke the same language, shared a common heritage but who were left out in American schools.
Empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy, in common usage, refers to feelings of commiseration, of understanding and trying to help another, of attempting to share the feelings of another. Empathy, in contrast, is the actual vicarious experience of the feelings of another. To empathize is to feel as another, to "feel the pain" of another, to truly identify with another person. Empathy more readily enables us to help another person because we can more readily know what is required to help. In sharing the experience, we more easily solve any problems of another person. Because we really share the experience of another, we can improve the condition of the other, we can see the path to better times, we can offer concrete steps to better feelings.
We've all felt left out, we've all craved being part of a group. We all know the pain of sitting on the sidelines while others move on with their lives, move on in big and small ways. The schoolboy who isn't chosen for the team, the young woman without a date for the dance, the co-worker who isn't invited to lunch- all of these are examples of being left out. All of these may tell themselves they don't care, they will find something else to do, they don't mind being alone. But they all, at least to some degree, want to be part of the group, to join in the activities of others, to share common experiences. We may sympathize with those left out without doing anything to help. But if we can empathize, if we can actually experience what they're feeling, we will take steps to include them.
In a sense, empathy is essential to doing the best job of helping others. If we can feel as they feel, we can know how to make them feel better. Empathize with those left out, see how to include them and make them part of your group. Sympathy isn't enough. We need to take action to make them better off. Don't let people you know be left out. You'll improve your group and make another person's life better. That's a good recipe for feeling better yourself. And by the way, the need for empathy doesn't stop with feelings of exclusion. It applies to most problems of people around us.
7-1-02
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