Old and Young
At some age, we all resist (resent?) our parents' efforts to stay involved in our lives. We think our parents are prying or controlling or attempting to relive their own lives through us. Then when we become parents we do the same things we resented in our own parents. Why? Is there something in the aging process which makes us controlling? prying? resentful of youth?
I often say to children that I've been their ages but they've never been mine. I mean by that that I know all the mistakes I made at different ages. I think my life would have been better if I hadn't made so many mistakes. I wish I could spare younger people from making the same mistakes.
I say to my friends that I wish could be 20 knowing what I know now. The most thoughtful reply I've received is that in that case I wouldn't be 20. Part of youth is making your own mistakes, learning for yourself, dealing with the consequences of mistakes.
The real answer to all this is that parents never stop caring. Even abusive parents, selfishly acting out their own problems, care about their children. Even parents who are unable to express their love care about their children. In fact, I would go so far as to argue that everyone cares about all children. After all, children are our future. We all wish we could shelter young people from the risks of life. But we can't put the young in a plastic bubble which shields them from all harm. Nor should we want to. Learning to make intelligent decisions about risks, rewards, hurt and healing is essential to being a successful, happy person.
So how do we reconcile these conflicting desires: The desire of caring older people to shelter the young from hurt and the desire of younger people to be independent. We listen to one another. If the young could listen to the old and try to understand the lessons of age and experience and if older people could listen to the young and try to understand the need to try things, to take risks, the young would be safer and happier and the old would have more confidence in the future. Remember that risk and reward tradeoffs are different at different ages. 20 year olds cannot and should not live like 60 year olds, careful and conservative, but 20 year olds shouldn't ignore the pitfalls of their actions. When can this dialogue stop? It can stop when older people stop caring and younger people stop benefiting from experience; that is, never.
5-15-00
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