PARENTS
A lot of the web journalists I read are having problems with their parents. The journalists are seeking independence, seeking to make decisions and, seemingly, willing to make mistakes and accept the consequences. The parents, understandably, want their children to benefit from their experience, to avoid mistakes, to make the same decisions they would make. Even though this tension arises only from the best motives, from the desire of both parents and children that the children succeed, from the parents' desire to shelter their young from pain, from the hope that children will have a better life than their parents, it's unpleasant to face the tension. Even though parents and children love one another, they may not like each other at times like these.. I've written about this before and I don't expect the phenomenon to go away. It's a natural part of life, a normal maturing, an expected change in the relationship of parent and child. (There will be a time, hopefully a long time away, when the parents become children again, needing the support of their children. It's only at that time that we begin to really understand some of these things.)
The parents demand respect for their experience, for the mature judgment which comes from having lived longer, seen more, for their good motives. It's painful to watch children make mistakes, hurt themselves, suffer pain, when the parents know that listening to them would make things better, easier. But it's also painful for the children to be treated as children. One writer noted that she's 23, not 14, and deserves to be treated as such. Putting aside the problem that 14 and 23 both seem very young to a parent, it's apparent that a 23-year-old needs and deserves respect. It's also apparent that the child needs support. Notwithstanding the desire for independence and freedom to make one's own decisions, children of any age look to their parents for approval. The reason the parent-child disagreements are so painful is that both feel rejected and unloved. When approval is denied, the children feel rejected, hurt, insecure. When children say their parents don't understand, they express the desire for understanding and, implicitly, support. . When parents say their children don't listen, they express the desire to be heard and respected. Again, the best of motives lead to the worst of feelings.
There's a peculiar element to these tensions. Parents demand respect for their experience and children desire to gain experience. Experience means living, making decisions, making mistakes. If we want our children to gain from experience, we have to let them have experiences. We can't properly educate our children to live happy and productive lives by imposing our own experience on them. Similarly, as children, we can't make the best decisions without learning what we can from the experiences of others. Somehow, parents need to be supportive and educational without being rigid and controlling and children need to learn from their parents, respect both their parents' experience and good motives, and then make their own decisions.
I've expressed my desire to be young again knowing what I know now and my friend's reply that then I wouldn't be young. This is apt in thinking about parent-child disagreements. Children: Be young, listen to your parents and then, at the right age, feel free to ignore them in making your own decisions. Parents: Be wise and guide your children to be able to make their own decisions- once they're ready, don't try to make their decisions for them. Children and parents: Be respectful of one another. Maybe in this way these tensions and unpleasant feelings of rejection can be reduced or eliminated.
6-4-01
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