RESOLUTIONS KEPT
I said I would periodically report how I'm doing on my New Year's resolutions so today I'm focusing on the first two: "1.I resolve to be more sensitive to the hopes and fears of my friends and colleagues." and "2. I resolve to thank others cheerfully for everything they do for me, no matter how obvious I think my gratitude is." Number 2 has been pretty easy for me; thanking others is automatic for me so it's only the cheerful part which is sometimes difficult. I sometimes find myself in a sad mood so it takes a conscious effort to be (or at least to appear) cheerful. When that happens, the easiest way to make myself more cheerful is to smile. The appearance of cheerfulness leads to the reality of cheerfulness. I'm learning to smile more so that I can be cheerful more often, including when I thank someone.
The attempt to achieve greater sensitivity to hopes and fears has been interesting. I've found that I can more easily think about fears than about hopes. With a little thought before I act, I can see when someone might be fearful about something. Even if I don't find a situation fraught with fear, I can usually understand the viewpoint of others. For example, when a colleague is trying something for the first time, I try to remember my own first time and can often empathize with his or her fear. Similarly, I can understand strengths and weaknesses and see why an activity involving someone's weaknesses would produce fear. Once I see the possibility of fear, it's simple to be constructive. In the case of colleagues, fears can be mitigated by better explanations of the goal of an activity, by better teaching of necessary skills, by trying to be non-threatening in assigning roles, by participating actively. Sure enough, I see reductions in fears and better performance. With friends, continued encouragement seems to do the trick. The harder I work to get my friends to try something, the less they fear it and soon they enjoy it as much as I do. (Sometimes, I have to conceal my own fears to do this and little by little concealment erases the fears.)
My progress in these areas has pleased me but I'm having trouble with hopes. There are some hopes that are universal: health, companionship, love, security and the like. But the individual hopes of those around me, the particular hopes I might be able to promote, are elusive to me. I've found that it takes probing to reveal particular hopes and that people are reluctant to share particular hopes. I imagine that people fear revealing hopes for fear of appearing too ambitious or unrealistic, for fear of receiving discouraging words. I have to lower my expectations and realize that it's a long-term project. If I patiently converse and put things together, I can eventually learn the hopes of my friends and colleagues. Once I learn them, I can try to promote them, even if only by trying to avoid doing anything to suggest they are unrealistic or attempting to be paternalistic in helping them achieve the hopes. I've come to believe that the most important hopes can only be realized by the hoper. I can't deliver the hoped-for situation (unless the hope relates directly to me or my conduct). I can only be encouraging. I've discovered that the best way to encourage is to assume that the hope will be realized, that the worst response to hope is the suggestion that it's impossible.
While I've made progress in keeping these resolutions, I have more to do. Writing this has helped to renew my resolve and encourage me to work harder. I think these resolutions are worthwhile and I'm going to keep them. I'll report on my other resolutions later.
4-30-01
Archives 2001 Archives 2000 Archives 1999 Archives