Resolutions
At least once each year I like to look at my resolutions for the year and make new resolutions for the coming year. This holiday season is a good time to do that. It tends to be a time of reflection, a time for looking back, for remembering other seasons, other times. For 2004, I wanted to "redouble my efforts to learn from others, to concentrate on their interests and wants and needs, and to use what I learn in this way to give them something". I noted that "only by making myself useful to someone else can I really enjoy life." As usual, when I look back on the period since I announced this resolution I feel vaguely dissatisfied with myself. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see opportunities missed, failures to act at the right time, failures to do the right thing. Yet, I can honestly say that I did my best, that I tried to honor this resolution, that I think I did give something to other people.
I don't think my failures stemmed from self-absorption, from thinking too much about myself or my own needs. I think they stemmed from my shyness, from my fear of intruding, from my fear of being misunderstood. Even when I convince myself that I know how to help someone, I find myself thinking they don't really need my help, they'll think I have self-interested motives, they'll find my efforts patronizing or intrusive.
I was taken aback to read this recent horoscope:
There's some possibility that in the past forty days or so, you've been somewhat hesitant about your commitments, as if you'd been frozen or in suspended animation. Perhaps you became aware of errors you've made in the past and were frightened of repeating them. But now that you're conscious of the past, you can, and do, face the future with more confidence.
Once again, as much as I question the validity of horoscopes, it's amazing how often they seem to speak directly to me, how often they cover issues I've been thinking about.
I recently advised a web friend that no one can be offended by a sincere offer to help, by the question what can I do to help. Yet I still sometimes find myself afraid to act on this advice myself. So my resolution for 2005 is to follow my own advice: I promise myself that I will continue to try to overcome my shyness, to overcome my fears, to try to help others when I can. I resolve to redouble my efforts to use what resources I have to make others feel better, live better. It's still true that only in that way can I fully enjoy my own life.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM YOUR INTERNET GRANDFATHER !
12-20-04
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