SETTLE
I've thought a lot over the years about "settling", accepting second-best, giving up cherished expectations, losing hope of achieving one's desires, "settling" for what one can get, not striving for what one wants. I listen, especially to young women, announcing their refusal to settle, their assumption that it is better to be alone than to settle for a man who doesn't meet their (stringent) requirements. I hear professionals who refuse to accept practical limits on their work, who assume that the world can wait for them to produce the perfect footnote, the air-tight contract, the flawless performance. I observe hobbyists whose enjoyment of the hobby is eliminated by the ceaseless effort to achieve perfection. I've rejected potential friends, situations, performances, meals and other amusements in the name of refusal to settle.
I won't criticize anyone for high standards, ambitious goals, making maximum effort to achieve perfection, even refusal to settle. But there's a trap in refusal to settle: Since perfection is an elusive target, refusal to settle may mean inability to enjoy anything, missed experiences, failed relationships, the loss of the fun of trying, the pleasure we should all take in doing our best. So I want to urge settling, at least to the extent necessary to live a pleasant life while waiting for the magic of the perfect result.
I've written before of enjoying process, rather than result, of the pleasure we can take in doing our best whether we win the race or not, the pleasure of trying. It becomes more and more important that we enjoy what we're doing in difficult times. We can't do that if we focus only on the result. And we can't even enjoy a good result if only perfection will do.
It's good to strive for perfection but we have to recognize that perfection is rarely if ever achieved. In many years of working, I've strived for perfection but I've never achieved it. Even in the best of times I've always seen flaws, mistakes, things which could be done better. I've agonized over small defects, even looked for blemishes in what others perceived as perfection. Until I understood the importance of process, the pleasure of trying, I was unable to enjoy, unable to receive pleasure from the effort. We have to enjoy our lives by doing the best we can, without expectation of success, let alone perfection. Keep your standards high but settle for the best result you can get. In that way, you can enjoy things while waiting for the perfect mate, the perfect result. You may find that you achieve perfection through enjoyment of what you have. Settling in this way may lead to perfection, or at least as close as we are likely to get.
11-12-01
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