Thanksgiving 2003
Every Thanksgiving we pause to review our blessings. In every year, there are ups and downs, good and bad, fortunate and unfortunate. But every year I find myself with more to be thankful for than to complain about. Every year, even the worst years, I manage to convince myself that good things happened, that better things are coming, that I have a lot to be thankful for, that I'll have more to be thankful for this time next year. This year is no different: Bad things happened, especially to some friends, good things happened, I still feel that better things are coming. I'm genuinely thankful for how fortunate I've been.
As is also usual, though, we all have complaints and complaints are more fun to think about. Everyone enjoys complaining once in a while. No matter how good things are, no matter how thankfully we count our blessings, we find things to complain about. We complain about traffic, our bosses, our incomes, our bodies, our schools. We complain about world conditions, politicians, the weather, sports results, public personalities. Sometimes we complain to ourselves, other times to co-workers, even sometimes to the world in general. Complaints are more frequent for some but everyone sometimes finds something to complain about.
Robin M. Kowalski, a Clemson psychology professor, has written a book called Complaining, Teasing, and Other Annoying Behaviors. She recognizes the emotional value of complaining but urges that we do a better job of it. She lists simple rules to make complaining more effective. To me, the most notable advice was her recommendation that we only complain to the right person. That is, formless undirected complaints are virtually useless. The only effective complaints are those made to someone who can do something to help. For example, if you have a complaint about job conditions, don't complain to your co-workers. Instead, complain to the boss. If you have a complaint about politicians, work on electing better politicians. If you have a complaint about your income, try to increase it. (If you have a complaint about the weather, I don't know who to complain to.)
Most complaints, however, should be directed at the mirror. Most of the things we complain about are things that only we can change. Most complaints, in one way or another, arise from things we have done to ourselves. In most cases, changing our behavior will solve the problems we complain about. At least when we're realistic about our own roles in our problems, we can be more positive about solutions. Now, I recognize that when we discover that things we did years before have caused present problems, we can't change the past to solve the problems. But even in that circumstance, we have to resolve the problems ourselves. We have to look forward, accepting the burden of our past conduct, and do better in the present.
Complain, get whatever release complaints bring you but complain to the right person, usually the person we look at every day in the mirror. More important, though, is to recognize our blessings and be thankful for them. Let's strive to enjoy what he have. Then we won't have so many complaints.
11-24-03
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