Trust Update
This is an update of an earlier column. I enjoy updating. Sometimes I find I've changed my mind and other times, as in this column, I find my thinking has remained constant. The update was occasioned by my reading of the Tao Te Ching. My earlier column dealt with the same thought as Lao Tsu's: "He who does not trust enough will not be trusted".
According to my dictionary, trust means reliance on or confidence in something or someone, the expectation that something will happen. We all have issues of trust: who to trust, when to trust, how far can we trust. It comes up in every situation, from the most casual meeting to the deepest of friendships, from the purchase of the smallest item to life-changing decisions. It comes up in personal and professional situations. Sometimes we're forced to trust but most of the time we must decide for ourselves.
While there are people we instantly trust, it normally takes experience with people in various situations for us to trust them. We learn to trust from repetition of behavior. As another kind of example, if someone unfailingly behaves kindly, courteously, reliably in a situation, over a long period, we trust him or her. We can encourage good behavior with expectations but until we see the behavior we aren't sure. Similarly, we may trust people sometimes and not others.
Every day when I drive to work there are situations where I'm confident what other drivers will do. I've come to realize that most of them will wait until the last possible moment to change into my lane. When I walk on the sidewalk, I'm confident that those who are talking on their cellphones won't pay any attention to where I'm walking. When I go to most doctors, I'm confident that there will be a long delay. These are examples of trust, albeit somewhat negative examples. The reason I trust in those situations is years of experience in the situations.
I often use the example of a bird in explaining my thoughts. If you want a bird to trust you, you may try to feed it. When you do, your first effort needs to be far from you. Little by little, you can cause the bird to come closer and eventually it will learn to trust you. However, if you do something to break the trust, if you do something unexpected or startling, you will not only have to start all over again, you may permanently eliminate the possibility of trust. It's the same for us: If we see consistent behavior over a period of time, we will begin to trust. If the behavior becomes inconsistent, we may never trust.
I sometimes think about why we care about trust. It's because we need to trust in order to interact with others. If we're constantly on our guard, if we must constantly "watch our backs", we can't function comfortably with others. This also applies to another element of trust: If we don't trust in ourselves, we will also find it difficult to function.
As a great man once said, "Trust but verify". Don't trust blindly but trust. Trust yourself, trust others and strive to be trustworthy. Your life will be easier.
5-9-05
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