WEAK
A favorite web diarist fears that she will appear weak if people think of her as nice. I thought about this and realized that it may be a common fear. We all hate to be thought weak or susceptible to abuse or dependent and others may view kindness or being nice to people as a sign of weakness. And I understand how being nice could make us appear as supplicants. But nice is not weak. As I've argued before, the virtues we capsulize as being nice do not render us weak. Being courteous is not being weak. Being civil does not bring abuse. Being kind does not make us dependent. Thinking of others does not require us to bend to the will of others.
We need to remember that the virtues I encourage are mostly for our own benefit: Whether or not these virtues produce a favorable response from others, we will feel better about ourselves. Whether or not others disparage us, we have the satisfaction of knowing we're doing the right thing. Whether or not others assume we are currying favor, we know better.
Most importantly, being nice does not require us to change our position on issues. We can still (politely) disagree, we can still present our positions civilly, we can still insist (with kindness) that others behave properly. And if others believe that they can take advantage of us, we don't need to deal with them. I've spent my life trying to avoid the dishonest, the abrasive, the bullying and the discourteous. I've still had plenty to do, I've still found plenty of people to interact with, I've still been able to live a reasonably good and prosperous life. Because I've been selective in my associates, I've been able to live my precepts and what others think is irrelevant. Despite being nice to others, I've been able to maintain positions, achieve reasonable results in disputes. And each morning, when I look in the mirror, I'm not ashamed of anything.
8-20-01
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